Feeling a Li'l Bit Human
I still have to be a little careful what I say, but I will say this: I'm finally starting to feel human again.
The 15 months since my boss died were brutal. It was hard enough dealing with that alone, but there was one party who made it excruciating. I don't know that I had ever known a real "evil" person until I went through this. The emotional abuse, the lies, the lack of responsibility, ethics, and reason... My definition of an evil person is one who places his own desires above the well being of all those around him, including his own. Evil = Selfishness. Sure, it's all a matter of degree, but that's the short version.
There are a lot of aspects of this that just plain hurt. I simply can't go into them now, but I was in a lot of pain I didn't know I was enduring until I started to heal.
I work for another company now, a competitor to my previous company. When my boss was alive, I never would have dreamed of making such a move, not in a million years. My new employer was glad to get me, and bent over backwards to make it worth my while. Not only that, they have good heads on their shoulders, are very real people, and aren't afraid to admit their shortcomings, mistakes, warts, and all. I was traveling with one of my bosses for a few days, and somewhere in there I started to feel like myself again. My senses were resurrected and the general joie de vivre had started to fill me up again.
I'm starting to feel strong enough to battle the angst and the bitterness that threatens to take root. It is so strong and so dark. I feel like I'm working for my betterment, and that of my family and my new company, not just to crush and destroy the other guy. That's a bad way to feel, and not conducive to making good deals and winning in general. Everyone reaps what they sow, and it is on that I try to lay my feelings of vindictiveness, in the hope that it will free me to continue to better myself, so the past can take care of itself.