Size Matters

Well apparently my size is a problem. It seems I'm embarrassed around other guys, I can't perform in the bedroom, I don't produce enough "volume," and my girlfriend is really angry.

Oh, and I have a meeting with "Pam."

Now, of course, I didn't know this until I started going through my spambox. Apparently my, erm, unit is really small. Since I don't go around with a ruler and measure myself, let alone the fellas down at church, I was blissfully unaware that I had a major problem. I mean, it seemed the wife did okay by me, but now that I'm in the know, well, it's kind of like Adam & Eve and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil. Once you have the knowledge, innocence can never return.

And I really didn't know I couldn't perform in the bedroom. Now keep in mind that my wife is not the passive sort who would fake it just to be nice. In fact, she's a bit demanding. Well, I guess now I know why.

And what about my "volume?" I don't ever recall taking heat from the Mrs. because I couldn't "shoot like a porn star." I'm afraid the first thing that comes to mind is a pic of the Mrs. washing streaks off the headboard and cussing me out. Ooh, better take some pills for that!

But the worse part? I didn't even know I had a GIRLFRIEND! No wonder she's pissed! And how am I supposed to tell my wife? I don't even know her name, and I can't even find her to get her to calm down, let alone prove that I can perform.

You know, I never thought I'd be a cheater, especially a really forgetful one. I hope she's cute.

I feel guilty, insecure, incompetent, and insufficient, all at once.

Oh yeah, and who the hell is "Pam?"

Maybe she's my girlfriend...

I knew I should have just trashed that spam folder.